I have this tendency to criticize.
I guess it is no wonder I worked in the justice department for more than 28 years.
Or maybe it goes the other way- maybe I was a happy free spirited holly go-lightly before I started working as a lawyer, and the job- and the horrible things I witnessed people doing to each other- turned me into this judgmental cynic that sees the worst in every person -until proven otherwise?
I can’t really remember.
Or I’d rather embrace the version that outsources the blame.
Now that I am retired, I am left to deal with this persona, every, single, day-with no excuses (“that villain! he robbed his own mother!”, “those people at work! they can’t read an investigation file properly! they believe everything the police tells them without ever proof checking it!” etc).
No outlets either-
I can’t be the same righteous ass I was a year ago, because I am not meeting (thank you very much) any criminals now, so the only people I can criticize are my family, the people I see at the gym, and, well…me.
In my defense, I will say that in a very egalitarian manner, I was just as critical and judgmental of my self, as of others.
Perhaps I was- and am -my worst critic, and I rarely hear any criticism concerning me that shocks me.
Usually, I think to myself “come on. that’s the best you got? surely you can do better than that, there is so much stuff going wrong with me, just invest a little time and you’ll get there!”.
Alain de button states that insecure people tend to look down on other people and criticize them, as a way of feeling better about themselves.
It makes a lot of sense.
If I am small- then everybody should be small too- otherwise, this will be freaking Alice in wonderland, and I am no Alice, and this is no wonderland.
Now that I think fit- it seems very likely that my tendency to judge and criticize other people, due to my insecurities, found a very good fit in the job I chose- that basically concentrates on finding what other people did wrong and proving it in court.
I am retired now. no one to investigate, to find guilty, to think “oh that awful person, who would do such a thing?”, even about things that some times, law-abiding people actually do, only don’t get caught.
I surely cannot go about criticizing my family.
I mean- aside from the fact that they are (mostly) perfect- what good will that do? I need to go on living with them, and they will take no sh#$ from me, that’s for sure.
The people at the gym?
I admit I have my thoughts- I can easily find something wrong in everyone. told you- its a habit. a personality trait by now.
But the thing is, I don’t like it.
Aside from the total waste of time, it brings me no joy, actually-if anything, I truly believe this may instigate the forming of wrinkles.
Yes, I wrote that.
I don’t mean as a superstition (although- now that I think of it- carma is known to be a bitc#), I mean that once your face gets that pout, that condescending, unapproving twitch of the mouth, this can -certainly at my age- stick to your face and stay there for the rest of time.
Have a look around- see if you can spot judgmental people by the permanent look of utter contempt on their faces.
Not to mention the bad energies thing.
So- at the end of 2019, I decided that enough of that, I am going to stop criticizing and judging other people, I will learn to accept that not all people are the same, and this is fine. it is not my problem to fix or consider or anything of the sort.
And if I should find myself in a social situation, since I “thrive” on those occasions, being a first-class introvert, I should, just relax, and keep my trap shut.
As the penguins of Madagascar so wisely said:
“Smile and wave, boys. smile and wave”.
Sounds simple, right?
Well, no, it doesn’t, and for a good reason, too.
Because it ain’t simple. at. all.
I mean, absolutely the complete opposite of simple.
So much so, that the first thing I said to someone, on the first day of 2020, the first day of my new year resolution to stop being an evil judgmental criticizer, was pure evil criticism.
It was 6 am, I was in the middle of my running, it was freezing outside, and I was suddenly forced to stop running and wait for a car to turn back and forth until the driver could adjust his position to the right direction.
I couldn’ keep running because t was obvious he wasn’t on top of the situation, so to speak, and it took him a while to turn the car to the direction he wanted.
his friend was standing outside the car to direct him, and I simply couldn’t stop myself from snarking: “well I thought this was a woman driving!”
Now don’t get me wrong- I know women are excellent drivers, this is why we get a discount on insurance, the thing is, in my experience, many men don’t understand that women are many times better drivers than they are, and whenever a woman happens to back park, instantly there will be some bystander- always a man- giving her free advice.
So when I was freezing my rear end at 6 am on 1/1/20, the first snide remark that happened to slip out of my mouth was a feminist payback for all those remarks.
stupid, I know. no need to point it out.
The poor driver may very well not be one of those men and was having enough of a hard time back driving the car, and the fact that he created an inconvenience for me, is no excuse for my behavior, let alone after my pompous resolutions the day before.
As soon as I said that, I regretted saying it, but, sadly, no cntrl+alt+delete on words we say.
My only hope is that since it was cold, the driver’s window may have been closed so he couldn’t hear what I said, and his friend was, hopefully, minding his own business and not paying much attention to me trying on activist feminism too early in the morning.
But even if the recipient of that remark didn’t, in fact, receive it, the fact remains, that I couldn’t control my judgemental criticizing way of thinking even for 1 day.
I’ve thought about this since.
I have along way ahead of me, apparently.
hope you are doing better with your new year resolutions.