Lately, I’ve been running with some trance playlists on Spotify.
People these are 2019 worldwide hits, and yet- the lyrics, for many of them, are focused on the likes of:
#What will I do without you.
#I can’t go on without you.
#How will I survive without you.
#Now that you’re gone. the rooms are empty, my heart is lonely, the doors are squeaking (ok-probably no doors squeaking but you get the point).
In my experience, and I can definitely be wrong here but this is my personal impression so far- Most of those songs- are sung by women.
Here I was, 50 something women, thinking we have made some progress on the dependence/independence issues, and I find out that in the oh so important territory of music-we are still sounding like the desperate sixties with the “I want you- I need you -where are you- please don’t go” and so on.
Do young men and women still believe that they cannot manage without their partner- boyfriend-spouse-lover?
Is it possible that it is mostly women that feel this way?
If this is true- what can be done to change this destructive way of thinking?
If this is not true- then why are many song lyrics still making us believe that it is true?
Before we continue- I have told you before that I live with my partner (no -we are not married, did not see any point in that), and we have been together for almost 18 years now.
So you might justifiably disqualify me from this discussion, on the grounds of being so-called “depended” myself.
I have 2 answers to that (Though I always tell my kids that if you have one good answer, there is no need for 2..):
#1: After giving this much thought, and I mean a lot – I believe I can truly say that I am not dependent on my partner.
Financially– we have separate accounts, and although we divide the household bills between us- I always make sure that I have enough in my savings to cover all the bills on my own- should I need to do that.
*Read here more about the separate accounts: Why I believe in seperate accounts
Traveling alone– my preferred method: my partner doesn’t like traveling the world, and I like to go check places and things that interest me- whether near my house- or as far as Guatemala. (even further is possible!)
*read here about my wonderful trip to Antigua. alone of courseVegan and frugal in Guatemala-my month in antigua (and a side note on traveling alone).נ.
home fixing- I don’t mind dealing with plumbers, electricians, etc- on the contrary– they like coming over since I always make them herbal tea and some homemade cookies to make their job more pleasant. I am not scared of these things and try to make sure to read on-line about possible ways to fix problems on my own before calling an expert, I can unclog simple sink problems on my own, and try to maintain things in good shape around the house in advance so as not to spend extra money on calling a pro. ( for example -never ever throw coffee grains or oil down the kitchen sink- it will clog it! don’t ever flush wipes -should you use those things to begin with- down the toilet! they clog up the sewer!
And things like that.
But what about love you might ask-
Well I believe I have 2 benefits here- my age +the fact that we have been together for almost 18 years.
I try to lead my life in such a way that does not make me constantly depended on my partner’s love-acceptance-approval.Why I bring myself flowers every friday (and how I do it frugally!)
I love him very much, and I hope he loves me, but I have grown to understand that being totally depended on him to make me happy- is a huge mistake, and has done nothing but to make me miserable.
I lead my life intentionally as if he will any day decide to pack his things and leave, and I am emotionally prepared for that situation- though it is definitely not something I wish for -on the contrary.
I told you I love him very much, and I also appreciate him tremendously-those 2 do not necessarily come together and in this case- they do.
I totally believe that this approach has benefitted our relationship- since it enhances the sense of freedom and choice- in our relationship.
I do not have to hide any shopping from my partner ( mainly because I am frugal and seldom buy things- but also because we have separate accounts and my money is mine- to spend or save or whatever with it.
I don’t get angry with him because I want to do something he doesn’t want to do- I always do whatever I want- alone.
And if he tells me he loves me – well then this is still music to my ears since I don’t take his love for granted, but I do my best (Admittedly sometimes it does’t work so well…) not to get worked up if he doesn’t say a thing , because that’s life -people have their ups and downs, and each and every one of us should lead a full and satisfying life by him/herself- whether he /her has or doesn’t have- a partner.
#2: Let’s suppose I were depended on my partner, I am not a young and promising post millennial that can rule the world ! Wake up and free your selves because that is the only way to get freedom!
love to hear your opinion on this- the cooliflower.