A  week ago I drove almost 2 hours (each way)  in early morning hours, to visit my mother.

My mother and I have an “interesting relationship”..

I think many women have an “interesting relationship” with their mothers. I am not a psychologist but I know this relationship is a naturally complex one, and research proves it.

read here an interesting article from “psychology today”: mother -daughter relationship

So a few minutes after arriving, I suggested we go for a walk towards the nearby park. my mother is 75 and after surgery, and I strongly believe that physical exercise is crucial for her health.

She looked at me and bluntly said: “i am not going anywhere with you until you put on makeup”. 

At first I thought she was joking. (she has a great sense of humor by the way). when she repeated it – still no smile on her face, and added a  demanding tone to her voice, I realized this was no joke.

This was my mother telling me I wasn’t pretty enough for her without the mask and camouflage of make up. 

(I  stopped wearing makeup since my 50th birthday, (read here why –Why (and how) I stopped wearing any makeup-and a frugal tip!)

Up until that moment, I felt gorgeous .I look at the mirror and smile at my reflection, I go to work feeling good about my appearance, and the whole issue -has stopped being an issue for me for-until those remarks.

I  am 50, for crying out loud -(if you are wondering- I did cry out loud later in my car on the way to work) – and I still care so much what my mother thinks of my personal choices. wow. does this ever stop??

When I was 18 I left home- at first came on weekends, then came on holidays -and since I moved up north- almost 14 years ago- I don’t make the trip that often.

For years I had difficulties enjoying family dinners- although my mother puts a lot of effort and money into the fancy side of hosting: she has expensive cookware and makes many gourmet dishes -but I have genuine difficulties enjoying that food , and for years I didn’t understand why.

Looking back, I realize that my difficulties had/have a lot to do with my unresolved issues with her, issues that led her to say something so offensive- in my opinion- to me.

That got me thinking about my relationship with my kids: am I guilty of the same behaviour? am I letting any of my children believe they are anything short of marvelous?

Should we tell our children our honest opinion about how they look -what they wear- their choice of friends- their school skills?

I mean- should we give them our honest opinion if  they never asked for it to begin with?

Is this our “obligation as parents”?

“If we don’t tell them the truth- how will they improve? ”

It’s been over a week since that visit- and I still can’t stop thinking about it.

I can’t ask my children a direct question -obviously- I can only try to reflect on my relationship with them, and hope that the fact that I honestly think they are the most wonderful human beings to walk the face of this earth– is a good sign that I probably didn’t base my relationship with them on criticism instead of reassuring them that they are wonderful and capable- and therefore can do whatever they wish- even if they sometimes fail.

I have no idea if this is the right way to go – and don’t get me wrong- I’ve had my share of arguments with my children- harsh things were said, and I regret saying 99% of them.

I wish I were a perfect parent, I wish I was that laid back mother earth always calm and relaxed waiting at any hour to feed them with their favourite food and listen to their troubles. I most definitely am not that kind of mother- and honestly I never was.

I work full-time at a very demanding job- lame excuse I know and yet- I almost never waited for them when they came back from school, most of the time I was so tired my eyes closed while they were ranting about their teachers, and I can only say to my defense that I did the best I could.

I hope so.

I hope I never offended them in a way that made them question their choices, their appearance, their partners: themselves.

If you are wondering whether I confronted  talked to my mother about the way I felt -well, no. I didn’t.

I know some may think avoiding difficult conversations such as this one is the wrong way to go, and that you cannot build a healthy relationship when one party has unsolved issues that are repressed .

I am a strong believer in this exact attitude as a general rule .

But in this case-I am hesitating.

I understand some people believe it is ok to give their opinion- harsh as it may be- without sugar-coating it in any way.

Truth is something I value highly, and it seems to be very double-standard of me to be a strong advocate of truth when it suits me- and to deny it and call it unfair and cruel criticism when I am being told something I find offensive. 

Plus- I tend to think that trying to change your parent’s behaviour at a certain age- has a less than 5% chance of succeeding, while more than 100% chance of turning into a major argument involving buried issues from both sides.

I am still thinking about it.I would love to hear your take on this.

the cooliflower.

p.s. thank pexels free photos for a good photo that captured my intention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published by wiseassvegan

an organized full time working vegan -with plenty of ideas on getting everything done in the most simple and efficient way possible.

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2 Comments

  1. Okay, I am going to stop reading your blog after this post for a couple of days. I have a very “interesting relationship” with my mother and not telling her the truth is totally worth it for me. I have a much easier relationship with my mother in law. I tell her the truth often. I feel totally safe to do this, but not with my own mother. Mothers are complex mythical unicorns and my mom doesn’t always live up to that standard, but telling her the truth would hurt her and probably not make me feel better, so I dont. I am sure this is damaging to me, but thats the whole schtick in my case: one takes the anger and turns it inwards because somehow we’ve been made to believe that the truth will hurt them too much. I honestly don’t think (in my case) that equilibrium can be changed with truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading , and a special thank you for the comment. I totally agree , this is, as you wrote, the Schtick- I believe in many cases, not only yours and mine. By the way- the post was written exactly a year ago and I still believe letting it go is the least problematic way . .

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